The Miracle Power of NFD
There is a powerful weapon that we possess in this war against terror, against which there is no defense. If you're thinking Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles, you have not been reading past posts. If you're thinking some sort of microwave beam, you need to read fewer comics. If you've been in a karaoke bar when some sub-par honky songster peals into the chorus, "Sweeeeet Caroline!" and the crowd drunkenly screams out that singular horn figure, "Bah! Bah! Baaaahhhh!" you know that we are in possession of the world's most powerful joy-bomb: Neil Fucking Diamond.
Do not laugh. I know you're thinking this is a joke, but I'm serious. Neil Fucking Diamond is our Doomsday Device against terror. In the event of looming terror, we need only crank up "Forever in Blue Jeans" and we will know that, though honey is sweet, it ain't nothing next to baby's treat.
Take for example, the sadder songs in the NFD oeuvre: "Song Sung Blue." On the face, the title at least, you may assume that this is akin to "Gloomy Sunday" and will inspire people to throw themselves from high windows, but no! Even though you may begin singing this song with a cry, in a moment, and without free will, you start feeling good again.
NFD should be guarded as a national treasure. He should have the security of the President. The next time some tiny band of nut bags tries to fuck with our freedom and sense of well being, we'll launch an all out NFD offensive. We'll lash Neil to the mast of an aircraft carrier and hook up his golden chords to the biggest sound system in history and let him belt "America" out to the world.
